So over the last couple of videos we've now begun to look at how it is that our thoughts impact the
quality of our day to day emotional experience minute by minute emotional experience.
By now I hope you can see how it is that our emotions determine or at least must fully impact the decisions
that we make the actions that we take whether we react or respond to those events and circumstances
of our lives how we react and respond to things ultimately determines the outcomes that we are going
to get which we will then have more thoughts about.
So in this conversation I'm going to be using a script this time round was not really a script it's
just more a list of questions which you can access and download and the additional materials section
for the purpose of practicing on other people in your life.
And this is a set of Socratic questions which really and we can only only use once we have clearly identified
a specific thought pattern or assumption our client has made or the person that we're working with our
coaching or helping or whatever.
So what we want to be doing first and foremost is having a conversation and Carl always wondered if
we could just go go back to that.
Remember that feeling the heart before I went off on comfort you uncomfortable being bit uncomfortable.
And just.
Just remind me where it was that I was coming from.
So that was coming from feeling anxious towards something new.
And the thoughts for me were to do with not feeling like I could do this meet this challenge.
So you've got himself some self doubts going on.
Yeah.
If we can just get absolutely crystal clear here.
All right.
So you're talking about about communicating with other people publicly or in a group context public
speaking something like this.
Yes.
Or communicate in front of a group.
Yes.
And I'm wondering what it is that's led you to even think that you know this isn't something you could
confidently and boldly do with these
there's times where I have communicated quite quite poorly in these sort of settings and in the past
you mean.
Yeah yeah.
I mean not not lots of examples but times were either I hold back and I don't really show up much in
the event you don't make an effort to make an effort.
Yeah okay.
He's got the best of you.
Yeah.
Ah I remember my words and I'd say something which doesn't really turn out to be all that relevant in
the end kind of like speaking for the sake of speaking for the sake of speaking and actually offering
value.
Okay so you speak for the sake of being Herod or saying something rather than actually up in value.
Yeah yeah I'm wondering is that something you've ever done.
I've I've actually done that once or twice myself as well so quite quite common thing.
So what would you say then.
If there is a if there's an assumption that you've made here or assumption that you've historically
made yes or an idea that you've really bought into in the past what do you think this would be.
Was the was the assumption you've made a conclusion you've arrived that
it is that I'm not I'm not a good communicator you're not a good communicator let's go with that you
are not a good communicator which therefore means that if you try to communicate well in front of a
group you can fail miserably.
You can do more damage than good and all that kind of stuff.
Right.
So took us a few minutes there but we've managed to just become clear on what the actual thought is
that has caused calm a little bit of trouble in the past.
No what we're not dealing with here is the apathy.
All right.
Apathy is more of the attitude but the thought is kind of what justifies the apathy.
Yeah is that is our fair that's fair I thought comes and then apathy just like the result if you like.
So the thought comes first apathy comes second.
Yeah.
So it's kind of like if we can if we can deal with.
If we can deal with the root of the if we if we real if we can deal with the roots or the cause we can
hopefully they'll deal with the effect one to yes hopefully ideally let's just have a little look shall
we.
So what I want to do know I'm going to run through this list of Socratic questions which is very very
simply just 10 questions that I'm going to ask.
Karen no in response to this one thought Alright which is I'm not a good communicator you're not a good
communicator.
So there is no thought to be questioned if you do want to download this question their page and just
follow through and just do that and then you can restart the video again.
If not let's get started.
So the thought is you're not a good communicator.
The first question I want to ask you Karen what is the evidence for this thought plus the evidence he
held for this thought.
I have some feedback that I've been given in the past that I communicated poorly at times communicate
poorly at times.
Yeah so you've had some feedback in the past.
You communicate poorly timed sometimes.
Is this all the time or just teams at times.
At times yes.
Is this all the time.
It's not all the time it's not all the time.
Self-possessed opposite is true was so sort I have had positive feedback.
Attempt to communicate it as well.
Fantastic so I had actually another question here.
What does the evidence against this thought.
Oh yeah.
So actually that I've had feedback is positive at times and how I communicated on a very practical level
I know that you know we've been concrete in courses like this for quite a few years now and much of
the feedback that you get is generally very very positive.
You know especially many ladies who say they can really relate to where you're at in life and people
take courses like this then end the pub and massive revelations within themselves in response to your
willingness to simply be open and honest.
That's true.
It's interesting isn't it.
Yeah.
OK so we've had we've got evidence for this thought but we've also got evidence against it.
Yeah just to start with.
OK so this thoughts which is I'm not a good communicator you're not a good communicator.
Are you basing this thought on facts and actual facts or feelings or other people's opinions or other
people's assumptions.
What are you actually basing this thought on.
What's the actual truth here.
I can see that there's some element of other people's
opinion or feelings other people's perspective in there like I've taken the feedback that I'm not a
good communicator to heart and now that's come from other people.
It's interesting isn't it.
We we go for meals I sometimes don't we.
MS There's a restaurant we go into and Edinburgh sometimes like a seafood restaurant and we were a.
I personally love seafood.
I know you quickly seafood as well.
Yeah.
But some people don't like seafood.
It's kind of like tastes and preferences isn't it.
Yeah.
Imagine what we'd thought or what someone would say if you were to try to put seafood into the mouth
of someone who just generally hates seafood I wouldn't be too pleased or would think he would say Oh
I hate seafood.
I hate seafood seafood like the worst ever and all that kind of stuff tastes sometimes comes into it.
And it was the last time we was the last time we watched a movie.
I loved that you hated it recently.
What was that.
It was an example.
HAM It was one of the superhero films one of the super superhero movies that say I absolutely loved
it.
And you absolutely hated it.
Was that right.
I'm like That's OK.
That's a who was right and who was wrong.
Neither have just had different perspective just different perspectives different tastes different likes
different preferences or this kind of thing.
Interesting it's interesting when we get feedback from other people sometimes isn't it.
People say you know I don't like you you're not a good communicator.
I mean I get us people say Cain Ramsey I don't like you I don't you're a terrible communicator.
Or is it really that I'm a terrible communicator or do I just not take some people's preferences.
That's true.
You just don't take some people because preferences we all like what we like and we don't like things
that we don't like.
Doesn't mean anything.
Things or anything is really good or bad good or bad is always determined by the eye of the beholder
isn't it.
Something like that.
OK.
So just having a little conversation I just want to really unpack this.
So this thought you're not a good communicator.
So what fact is this this is actually Berlin based on or is it just based on other people's preferences
likes or dislikes that is based on other people's preferences preferences are other people's preferences
gospel.
No no no they're just people's preferences.
It's interesting.
Okay cool.
So this thought you're not a good communicator is this thought black and white when it's really a bit
more complicated than the
it's really a bit more complicated than that.
Yeah.
How specifically as a more complicated than the specifically because I think what you just said
I'm not a great communicator and that's not all the time.
That's true.
And that's that's based on some of the feedback I've received from other people which is a limited perspective
it's just one person's perspective.
So there's many variables and factors as to whether I've come away from communication thinking it's
been good or bad.
Yeah that's a good guess and we all have the ability and the capacity to grow and improve as well.
Do we.
Yeah we do.
Yeah yeah.
This is true.
That is true.
And I have grown in many ways through my communications over the years.
So if that's the case how would this one truth then impact the original thought
that we cannot get on its head who can knock it and head and therefore deem it not true not true is
not the same as irrelevant irrelevant not true.
Interesting isn't it.
But aren't these just the kinds of thoughts that we sometimes all allow ourselves to be held back by
in life.
Can you see the value.
These questions have only really worked through 3.
Up until now.
But let's carry on.
No.
Just in case you are following on here and I'm just I'm just I'm not really rigidly using these questions
as a script I'm just using them more as a framework as a gate to go off and just asking for more information
as we go so we can see if we can really destroy and tear down this thought that Khan has inside of our
mind right.
So you're not a good communicator.
All right.
All we're doing is we're bringing this thought under attack.
That's all that we're doing.
Could you be misinterpreting the evidence.
By any chance are you making any assumptions.
Already massive generalizations or anything like that.
Are you a bad communicator.
All of the time in all circumstances.
Every single day in all of your relationships are you.
But all the time.
Or are you good sometimes.
Or your pants some days good some days.
Okay some days cause I have to generalize that and I'm not a bad communicator all the time.
There's times where I'm a good communicator.
So if this day is that you are a good communicator does that therefore mean that you could be a good
communicator all the time.
You are you're really good at communicating.
Certainly good at communicating at times.
Yeah okay.
Yeah.
At times it's what's holding you back from communicating.
Well like this all the time.
Really it's just nothing.
It's actually just the thought and the feeling that at night I'm not going to communicate just thoughts
and just feelings getting in the way of our best intentions isn't right.
That's right.
Can you see where this is going.
I just have just a list of fairly very simple but quite effective questions before bringing unhelpful
thoughts under attack.
Okay.
Some people might have different interpretations of your thoughts.
What might they be.
Some people might
might say the opposite.
I am a good communicator who who specifically would say that if you were to picture someone who specifically
went out to the ladies that have offered me feedback about how I've actually been in some of the previous
courses is their view their feedback is that more valid or less followed than the negative feedback
that you've had.
Once or twice in the past and how many times have you had negative feedback i.e. someone telling you
the era by the communicator are not good enough communicator
and a handful of times as being negative.
If the time has been positive.
Yeah.
So what's what's more followed.
And the book will follow it.
Well just different people's perspective.
So what's actually true then in terms of you and the way in which you communicate.
Are you remaining the same all the time or are you improving getting better every day as you continue
to practice I am improving and getting better every day as I practice over the last few years.
My communications.
I've really grown naturally.
So even if three years ago you were in fact but today are you equally as bad or less by the
and less bad.
So therefore then mean that you're better you're improving.
Yeah I'm getting better yeah.
Are you as bad as all the bad communicators in the world or are you better than some better than some.
So yeah it's interesting.
Yeah.
Playing with us.
So we're doing okay.
Are you looking at all the evidence here.
When you're alone in this thought.
I'm not a good enough communicator to you know to really hold you back.
Or are you just looking at the evidence that supports that thought.
I have been looking just at the negative evidence if you like the evidence that supports the thought
that I am a peer communicator and even just this conversation.
Looked at other evidence which kind of knocks on its head and so I've looked at other evidence it can
knock on its head.
I'm not being paid attention to that and I'm wondering if I'm wondering if it's convenient for your
for your apathy not to acknowledge the good.
Yeah I think you're probably right.
Yeah just some mild convenience isn't it.
We sometimes do look for and acknowledge only the evidence that kind of validates our our behaviors.
Isn't that right bit convenient sometimes.
Okay cool.
So your thoughts.
Not a good communicator.
M Could that thought by any chance be an exaggeration of that which is actually true already.
And a perfect communicator or an imperfect communicator an imperfect communicator a Maya a perfect communicator
or an imperfect communicator imperfect.
Mean here.
Okay so what have we got in common.
We're both imperfect communicators.
What about what about this person who's watching us on the other side of the screen right.
No because I think they're an imperfect communicator also though they may be judging us right now for
being imperfect.
How would you respond to them then say that we're all in the same boat.
Does that therefore mean that none of us should be hypocrites for judge another imperfect communicators
are being imperfect.
Well we ourselves are all imperfect.
Yes.
Interesting.
So you judge yourself sometimes in not being good enough because you're imperfect.
I do beat myself up for not being perfect.
Do you judge me for being imperfect.
I wouldn't be very nice.
No.
Would it be OK for that person on the other side of the screen to judge me or you for being imperfect
right now when they themselves are imperfect.
No.
And don't be hypocritical to be hypocritical wouldn't it be.
We'll do this don't we.
Sometimes we do.
So we but unnecessary isn't it.
Judging other people's imperfections is completely unnecessary.
It's a little bit unnecessary judging our own imperfections isn't it.
Yeah.
Her interest in making peace with being impact making peace has been imperfect.
The margin for the world would look like if everyone was okay with being imperfect I guess no one would
ever have to beat the chest and try to prove themselves ever again.
Okay.
So are you having this thoughts or do you have this thought out of habit or do the facts actually support
it.
It's more out of habit.
Yeah as us actually from here from evidence years ago that I'm basing it on.
OK so I'll rephrase this question a little bit.
Do you have this thought of habit or does that apathy support it.
Or justify it.
Apathy justifies it.
Yeah the apathy justifies the thought.
Yeah it's interesting.
Normally self People Know thyself.
OK now here's an interesting question.
Me that have been someone anyone in your past who might have passed this thought or belief on to you
could someone in the past have past this thought or idea onto you
Yeah I think not.
Not in so many words that they vocalized it themselves that they would be a poor communicator but I
can see that.
My family members my mom would never have been a very confident communicator or a really
pushed herself to speak up in events or things like that or are
have really have a voice you know.
So this could actually be a thought.
I look on life that you've kind of picked up and modeled.
Yeah yeah I kind of kind of copied mindlessly mindlessly.
Yeah.
Were they ever really questioning.
Yeah.
Interesting.
If this person has lived this way for a lifetime.
If this person has passed this thought on to you.
Are they a reliable source.
Are they someone who you would really want to go to for guidance in this area.
Moving forward to become a better communicator.
No.
Okay.
So you are a bad communicator.
Is this a likely scenario or is this just the catastrophic worst case scenario is the catastrophic worst
case scenario catastrophic worst case scenario.
All right cool.
And that's that's pretty much us all we've done with tackle this thought from 10 different angles I've
thrown a few of our questions into the mix.
M. Curran What was it like to be on the receiving end of this interrogation which is kind of like an
interrogation process just a little bit looking to establish that.
Which is simply true.
Same interrogation processes used in the military by various interrogation agencies around the world.
By the way just in case you're wondering two different degrees of course but helpful I got I realized
a few questions and that I'm basing my evidence on quite a number of years ago feedback that I was given
an and I'm not looking at the positive feedback which I've also been given.
It's very imbalanced judgment I've come to
it made me feel a bit silly actually after after a few questions because I realized that oh dear it's
completely a really big generalization I make assumption to make massive generalizations massive assumptions
but listen we all do this right.
I guarantee it right no.
There will have been some assumptions that you have made about the world about life about other people
and about yourself that have really prevented you from taking the action steps that you could be taken
right now to really bring about positive change in your life.
So question and processes like this so we can use to really check ourselves before we continue to keep
on wrecking ourselves.
All right give ourselves this checkup from the neck up as it were.
And but this is that you can't break anyone with this stuff.
All right you can only ever help people to to gain greater clarity about themselves upon that which
is true for them and ultimately shift their perspectives as well which can only be a good thing.
So this is all the kind of stuff that we need to be doing before that and the actual coaching process
even starts.
All right so and this is Socratic questions.
Listen if you have never worked through a set of questions like this before in the past.
Print off this worksheet if you haven't done so and go and practice on a family member a loved one just
have a conversation right.
Keep the list of questions up your sleeve and then as soon as you hear or identify a limiting self belief
or a thought or something and say I can't do this I can't do that.
I'm no good at this I'm no good at that.
Pull out your Socratic question sheet and interrogate that thought and see what shifts you can start
facilitating in someone else's life today.
Hope you found this demonstration enjoyable to watch quietly hearted yes but I promise you this isn't
difficult stuff.
Very very funny very simple.
Can also be extremely effective at creating change in the mindset of your clients or those people whom
you work with.
So let's offer no current any final words or thoughts that you would like me to interrogate.
No.
Shall we move swiftly announced way.
Right.
Moving swiftly on.
We'll see you again in the next clip.